Jessie A. Leak, M.D.

One of the most frequent remarks that I hear people say in the context of their day-to-day lives, both in and outside of work, is: “He/she just doesn’t understand me. I feel helpless to make changes in my life because I don’t/can’t communicate with the people that I work with and/or those I love.” Communication in this context comes in many forms, but ultimately, it implies caring relationships between people who share a common work goal that when activated, actually produces energy that is communicated through metaphors, analogies and body language.

Communicating today is in theory easier than it has ever been because of cellular telephones, car telephones, simultaneous computer chatting, etc. Ironically, with the advent of these techniques, we have become increasingly more isolated, hurried and disconnected from one another. Our leaders are not available to us for mentoring and advice, and we feel disconnected from those around us who may potentially be our greatest allies and sources of direction.

This has occurred for a multitude of reasons, but the sad reality is that when we are stressed, communication with others becomes more difficult, and we regress to our pre-programmed, sometimes old communication styles learned in childhood. They served us poorly then, and these antiquated skills can perpetuate the breakdown in our already ineffective efforts to connect.

If we review the etiology and meaning of stress, “any mental or physical tension or strain,” then we clearly have in this context a loss of control, the manifestation of which is stress. Connection breakdown or lack of effective communication can be one of the greatest stressors that we face daily. Impaired communication includes inability to listen as well as to express ourselves effectively. Equally lost are the abilities to read and to react to our own and other’s body language and cues. The unstated message is often more powerful than any verbal attestation.

Mastering the art of effective, positive communication both with yourself and with others is perhaps the most important skill that we need to feel connected to the world around us and to ultimately manage our stress.

With this skill set, we are then able to identify and effectively demand reasonable changes in our relationships as well as in our work and home environments to minimize stress. It is important to remember that ongoing and positive self-talk is as imperative as succinct communication with others. Only with maximizing all of these skills will you receive the results that you desire.


What Is the Difference Between a Lion (Leader) and a Lamb (Follower or Employee)? What Communication Skills Are Needed to Effectively Function in Either or Both Positions?
Perhaps the most integral part of leading a group is the ability to listen raptly. Lions (leaders) love to hear themselves talk; they enjoy listening to their own great pearls of wisdom and insights. In order to lead effectively, you must listen. There are many barriers to meeting this goal: too little time, too many people in your group, pressure from above, too much knowledge, pride and, at times, physical distance.

In these instances, it becomes critical to communicate core values and goals, provide a context for growth and mentoring and to be accountable to those whom you lead.

As a lamb (employee), it is imperative that you demand to know what the expectations are of those for whom you work, have leaders who are willing to explain and to help implement their vision, to expect that you will not be left in isolation and that you will be heard, trusted and encouraged to meet the tenets of the leader’s goals and mission.


So What Do I Do if There Is a Disconnect Between Myself and My Boss?
One of the greatest sources of stress that we face is such a disconnect. If you are part of a team led by an individual unable to meet your needs, you must immediately seize this as an opportunity to create your own vision and direction for your future.

It is important to set aside time to think about the future. Concurrently, you should perform a “vision audit,” an honest appraisal of the organization of which you are a member. This might include an inventory of the strengths, weaknesses, highest priorities and the barriers to effective future advancement that the core of the group feels embody the energy and direction of the organization.

If the leadership has failed to set a mission or vision for the future, you as a lamb (member) have every right to develop such a statement, either for your own personal use or in the context of the group participating in the process. Clarification of purpose and direction and ground rules for communication both in and outside the group will greatly enhance your feeling of control (decreased stress).

Additionally if there are no clear-cut long- and short-term strategic goals set by leadership, it is important to establish a set of fluid strategies for the next year or term of your work year. This can be done alone or within the group.

If you are not clear about where you should be heading, take the time to read and study future trends and to talk to experts in your field. It is important to gather objective data to think about and to personally design your own mission, vision and goals.


What Is “Self-Talk” and Why Is It So Important When We Are Trying to Communicate With Others?
It is imperative that you trust your best instincts. Some call it your intuition; others might know this part of you as your Wise Self. Dialoging with yourself is an important tool to form a basis for presenting your true, authentic self to the world. Without such insights, your ability to communicate effectively with others in all facets of your life may be impaired and may decrease your chances of happiness. There are seven steps to moving toward a better relationship with yourself.

1. It is essential to put yourself first. Journaling can be an extremely effective way of “self-talking” without judgment. By doing so, you enable yourself to connect your head with your heart and genuinely “feel” the experiences with which you long to connect.
2. One of the first tasks to be addressed in your journal should be an accurate picture of your day-to-day commitments and a truthful assessment of how to build a more balanced life. With a shift in your time priorities, you may find more time to connect with those who are important to your sense of well-being.
3. With honest self-talk, you must identify what is draining you and immediately reprioritize.
4. Acknowledge to yourself what your financial resources are, and give yourself the message, “I’ll do whatever it takes to restore my financial health.” Amazingly when you “self-talk” yourself into financial health, you attract more money (generally a goal for most individuals).
5. Recognize what “fuels” you. A life run on adrenaline (junk fuel) is not a healthy life. Healthier fuel sources (premium fuel) can include exercise, nutritious food and the love and support of great friends. Positive “self-talk” can make the transition from one to another easy.
6. Honestly assess the relationships in your life and determine which drain you and which enrich your life. Life-enriching relationships include those with people who are proactive, appreciative, communicative, attentive, honest and accountable. Qualities in draining relationships can include those who blame, complain, drain, shame, discount or gossip. It is up to you, through honest self-dialogue, to choose those with whom your life is enriched, not drained.
7. Take the time to strengthen your connection to your Wise Self and search for your “brand” of connection with a powerful divine force, your spiritual self; this will enable you to live a life based on your inner truth, your gut instinct. This does not necessarily imply connection with a particular religious sect or set of beliefs but rather a sense of connectedness.

Surprisingly, by aggressively pursuing these many aspects of “self-talk” and personal exploration, you immediately open yourself up to a new way of communicating on your own terms and increase your chances of being happy.


How Can I Enhance Communication With Others?
It is important to remember that we communicate with both verbal and nonverbal cues. More often than not, we innately understand body language but choose to ignore what we know instinctively. Posture, facial expressions and even silences are great keys to understanding others.

The other great axiom that we must live by to have optimal communication with others is to realize that relationships in our lives are not an option — they are a part of who we are as humans. It is imperative in the long run to let go of our self-protective rituals long enough to care for each other. Once we are able to do so, healthy communication usually follows.

Caring relationships (enhancing good communication) have many advantages: 1) they are good for us; 2) they are contagious; 3) they generate a power of their own that can be a source of energy, both for the individual as well as the group or organization; and 4) most importantly, they make work more fun.

Jessie A. Leak, M.D., is Associate Professor of Anesthesiology, University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center, Division of Anesthesiology and Critical Care, Houston, Texas.