Mark J. Lema, M.D., Ph.D. Editor

Aphorisms … One More Time

As I write this column, the entire Northeast is immersed in frigid, wintry conditions. So, my intention of creating this list of witticisms as the harbinger of spring seems ironic. Hopefully the robins will have thawed by the time you read my editorial.

Here is the latest installment of the most popular editorial topic in the NEWSLETTER. As always, there may be an aphorism that has been repeated. Moreover, I try to refrain from attributing the saying to one of our members unless the story behind it is convincing.

Enjoy the sixth installment.

• One thing about pain, it proves that the patient is alive.

• If you can’t keep ’em alive when they’re alive, you can’t keep ’em alive when they’re dead.

• Don’t take lawsuits personally.

• A malpractice suit is a game between two skilled players with the physician serving as the ball.

• All patient care involves a risk/benefit ratio; if you can’t justify the benefit, your risk goes up.

• Bad memories are better than no memories.

• The practice of medicine does not take genius — but what you lack in genius must be made up for in hard work.

• What is written with the pen must be chopped out by the sword.

• A bad I.V. never gets better. (Corollary: A bad epidural never gets better.)

• No guts, no glory.

• There are two possible lessons working with attending physicians — things that you must do and things that you never do. Both are equally important.

• We have deep depth (a stage of conscious sedation?) — Berraism.

• Green gas is good.

• In anesthesia, you are either going forward or backward; you are never standing still.

• 100 percent oxygen has never cured an obstructed airway.

• One rarely gets into trouble when the patient is too deep; one often gets into trouble when the patient is too light.

• When anesthesiologists have a problem, it’s viewed as being due to incompetence and is criticized. When surgeons have a problem, it shows great expertise and prowess and is praised.

• Even though patients appear to be younger than their stated ages, under anesthesia they will respond according to their actual ages.

Timothy Sternberg, M.D., submitted a list of aphorisms from an unknown source titled “Eternal Truths.

• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

• Everyone has a photographic memory — some just don’t have film.

• If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

• I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.

• We cannot change the direction of the wind … but we can adjust our sails.

• If the shoe fits …buy it in every color.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried.

• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

• The good news: Perception is not reality. The bad news: Reality is irrelevant.

• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

• Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

• Gravity… it’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.

• Parting thought: What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?

Finally, Robert (Bob) Hageman, M.D., has been retired since June 1990 and still reads the NEWSLETTER. He submitted an article from The Western Journal of Medicine titled “Surgical Aphorisms.”1 I have included some excerpts from this two-page article.

• Zollinger: A good surgeon is a good internist who can operate.

• Halstead: The only recourse for an anesthetized patient against an incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage.

• Anonymous: Nothing heals like cold, hard steel.

• Anonymous: Be careful of your thoughts; they may break into words at any time.

• Anonymous: Mediocre doctors are always at their best.

• Osler: You should not prevent patients from getting well on their own.

I would like to thank the following people for submitting material for this article:

Drs. Winthrop P. Wilcox, Jr., Peter B. Kane, Donald H. Lambert, Eddy Fraifeld, Timothy L. Sternberg (Capt, USN), Anthony P. Menendez, Richard M. Flowerdew and W. Robert Hageman; Theodore D. Rintel and Ms. Denise M. Jones.

– M.J.L.

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