Jessie A. Leak, M.D.
Committee on Communications

A loving person lives in a loving world.
A hostile person lives in a hostile world:
Everyone you meet is your mirror.

— Ken Keyes

What Is Stress?
Is stress the stimulus or the response? Stress may be the supervisor, our workload, anything that creates discomfort or strain. Stimuli that upset could be defined as the stressor, and the demonstration of stress might be called strain. Hans Selye recognized three stages of stress reaction as “general adaptation syndrome.” These stages have consequences for the human body as it adjusts or deals with these “stressors” through a sequence intended to help the body to fine-tune itself; these reactions occur as partially interdependent. Working with a toxic group of people can cause significant stress; this article will concentrate on this area of life stress and present strategies for recognizing and dealing with toxic, manipulative individuals.

Why are the people we work with such stressors? In many instances, one of the greatest stressors that we face on the job is the toxic co-worker. “Interpersonal support is the basis for healthy relationships with others…just as lack of trust can break people apart. It is the cement that is the foundation for interpersonal integrity.”¹ When this support is absent or inconsistent, we may still be willing to do the job and to maintain our professionalism, but we lose the wish to “go the extra mile.”

When our work hierarchy lacks organization or responsiveness, our natural reaction is to feel that we cannot control our work lives, and we feel that we cannot anticipate what will come next or what is expected of us. Unpleasant individuals can be perceived as controlling, caustic and/or negative. Not unusually interactions with these individuals may not only disturb us but may affect our sleep, consume our energy, affect our ability to do our jobs well and may even impinge on our family life.

My days are phantom days, each one
The shadow of a hope,
My real life never was begun
Nor any of my real deeds done.

—Arthur Upson, Phantom Life

What characteristics does the toxic or manipulative individual possess, and how do you recognize the species? Manipulators, or those who tend to make our lives miserable, in this case in the work milieu, tend to possess certain personal features that make them act as they do.¹ These individuals have an overwhelming need to improve their own positions or purposes and to further their own personal gain at any price to others.² they have stalwart needs to obtain power and dominance in relationships with others,³ and these individuals have the unavoidable need or wish to feel in control.⁴ These are people who want others either around or under their “command” to have the same feelings and judgments that they have in a certain contained milieu. The recipients of these “command” emotions or thoughts generally feel minimized because they do not adopt (at least outwardly) the party line, and tension in the group grows. Unfortunately manipulators may or may not even realize or be conscious of their tendencies to fall into one or more of these categories.

Many who manipulate or pressure those around them feel that those they cannot manipulate or control are not “team players,” and thus the group tension can escalate and/or those “not on the train” may find their career path derailed. It also is important to note that these individuals may not act this way 100 percent of the time, making it even more difficult for the rest of the group to “read” when and if their guard should be up and how to respond to interactions with such people. Additionally the manipulator also is an individual who may have been or is a “mark” for other manipulators, thus causing a truly unhappy person who may threaten or try to hurt others in inappropriate ways.

What makes you a “mark” for the manipulator? Most of us have faced these individuals in one or more settings, and if we are normal people with reasonable emotional health, we can be a set-up for such types. Nonetheless if one has the tendency to have any of the following, you may attract the toxic manipulator and not even realize what is happening.

1. You have the “disease to please” and may feel controlled by this need to the point that you may in some way be addicted to the need for approval from either this one individual or others in general.

2. You have the overwhelming need to gain the approval and acceptance of others, even at your own expense. At the center of your friendliness, however, is a terrible fear of rejection or abandonment.

3. You have a dread or fear of negative feelings, conversations or situations.

4. You may have a lack of boldness, and you may have trouble saying “no,” or when you do so, you may have extreme feelings of guilt in possibly letting others down.

5. You may have a hazy sense of your own identity; in other words, you may not know whose needs (including your own) that you need to feel and fill. A lack of a sense of core principles frequently accompanies such characteristics.

6. The victim may have a depleted sense of self-reliance or self-esteem, resulting in a distrust of one’s own judgment and responses in contemplating one’s life path.

7. Finally, you, as the manipulated, may have an overall view that things that happen to you in life are more under the control of others rather than under your own control.

The toxic supervisor is a special challenge. Frequently much is riding on the line concerning interactions between the employee and the superior as noted above. There is a happy medium between those who control and those who manipulate either consciously or unconsciously.

Why do manipulators or toxic individuals do what they do? How do you play the game? These individuals push our buttons, so-to-speak, because they can. Your best tactic is simply to immobilize their game by ceasing to fulfill their requests, demands or bend down to their low-key or obvious pressure(s). When their tactics fail to work, when you cease being a mark, you can spend the time toughening yourself against these individuals again. It will not happen overnight.

What are key points to remember when dealing with a master manipulator who knows how to push your buttons? Remember that you will never be able to out-manipulate an accomplished manipulator, and you should not even try. Nonetheless it is essential that you clearly observe their tactics and what they say and do. Never inquire why they are behaving in a certain way or what they are doing because it is extremely unlikely that you will get an honest answer or the answer you want. If you make the mistake of pointing out their shortcomings, you will only “push their buttons” and make the situation worse. It is a waste of your time and energy to point out to the individual that they lack fairness or kindness, even if it is to effect change. If you believe that you can change this toxic individual(s), you are sadly mistaken. Your best bet is to work on changing yourself and stop rewarding the manipulator with your cooperation, obedience or submission. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, do not ever make the manipulator/ toxic individual alert to your feelings because this only allows him or her more empowerment.

Conclusion: How to Liberate Yourself From Manipulation and the Toxic Individual
At some point, you have probably realized that you fall into one or more categories to which bullies are drawn. It is usually a good idea to find someone to bounce things off of in your workplace whom you can trust to never divulge your discussions. This should fulfill your need to have that mirror that many of us feel is so important to measure ourselves against.

At some point, it may be necessary to discuss situations about your job with a manipulator who may have control over your career path. It is important to remember to differentiate and separate judgment(s) (your own) from emotion and fact. Stick to the facts. It is permissible to state how these facts make you feel, but it is imperative not to step over the line and discuss anecdote, subjective observations and your feelings about them. This will only jeopardize and feed the manipulator exactly what he or she is seeking.

Perhaps recognizing the characteristics of the toxic manipulator and what makes him or her tick is the first step. The second is to use the techniques mentioned herein. A third, important caveat is to always have other career options actively in mind.

Now is the time to reclaim control over your life and your fears, reclaim your autonomy and begin to trust your emotions and what it takes to be professionally honest. Remove yourself from the view of the manipulator by simply doing your job well and finding your own way with the help of friends, networking in your workplace with those you can trust and, most importantly, by trusting yourself.

The turning toward happiness as a valid goal and the conscious decision to seek happiness in a systematic manner can profoundly change the rest of our lives.

— Dalai Lama

Bibliography:

J. Barton Cunningham, Ph.D. The Stress Management Sourcebook: Everything you need to know. Lowell House, Los Angeles. 1997.

Jessie A. Leak, M.D., is Clinical Professor, University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, San Antonio, Texas.